Vulnerable. That is the best way to describe how I feel right now. I am being forced to completely open myself up, to this process, to what the doctors say is best, to allowing others in to help. It's incredibly hard for me. I am frustrated. I want to go home. I want Landon to be healthy. I want to take his place do he doesn't have to endure this anymore. I want to cry. I am crying. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and all I feel at this moment is sad and weak. I feel totally helpless. I just want to fix this. Maybe if it wasn't Christmas I would feel better. I doubt it though. This just totally and completely sucks.
Landon's hemoglobin is down to 7 today. He will receive a transfusion within the next couple of hours. I hope this helps his spirits. He seems tired and a bit cranky today. I am seriously irritable. I know he's getting tired of this place. We talked with our doctors and they gave us the ok to take him outside for a little bit. I hope the sunshine, blue sky and fresh air helps give him a little boost. I know it will be good for me.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Small Victories!
Warning: This may be TMI for some. Read at your own risk.
LANDON JUST HAD HIS FIRST SOMEWHAT FORMED POOP SINCE I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN!!! Yes, I just shouted that! I almost took a picture because I was so excited but decided that just may be too much.
We're having a much better day and Boy Wonder is making great strides. He has been nothing but happy today. So far we haven't had any diapers containing blood and I don't think we're going to see one again. It is very clear that his little body is healing. He is also keeping Daddy very busy in the halls and playroom. He is still under what they want him to be taking in calorie wise. We're going to track that for a couple more days and see where we're at. He is totally eating like a champ! I am guessing part of his increase in appetite is due to all these junk foods he doesn't usually get. We're still holding strong on the no sugar though, for the most part. The steroids also help to increase his appetite and I know he's feeling better so that for sure makes a difference.
At this exact moment, my heart is happy.
LANDON JUST HAD HIS FIRST SOMEWHAT FORMED POOP SINCE I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN!!! Yes, I just shouted that! I almost took a picture because I was so excited but decided that just may be too much.
We're having a much better day and Boy Wonder is making great strides. He has been nothing but happy today. So far we haven't had any diapers containing blood and I don't think we're going to see one again. It is very clear that his little body is healing. He is also keeping Daddy very busy in the halls and playroom. He is still under what they want him to be taking in calorie wise. We're going to track that for a couple more days and see where we're at. He is totally eating like a champ! I am guessing part of his increase in appetite is due to all these junk foods he doesn't usually get. We're still holding strong on the no sugar though, for the most part. The steroids also help to increase his appetite and I know he's feeling better so that for sure makes a difference.
At this exact moment, my heart is happy.
Answers. Sadness. Relief.
As we were waiting for Landon to come out of recovery, the nurse who took Landon from my arms as he was screaming and crying came to find us. She wanted to let us know that as soon as we walked away Landon stopped crying, put his head on her shoulder and fell asleep. She said she swayed and cuddled with him until it was time to lay him down for anesthesia. She said when they started the anesthesia he was already fast asleep. It made Scott and I feel so much better knowing he wasn't scared. In his little mind he was just taking a nap.
Wednesday evening was a little rough. Landon was again agitated due to the soreness from the scopes and coming down from sedation. I was an emotional mess and I couldn't figure out why. Shouldn't I be glad because we were finally given a diagnosis? I just wasn't there. I was extremely sad and feeling like I was somehow being punished for something. My thoughts were, "This isn't fair. Why Landon? Why Scott and I?" I was very confused by all of the emotions I was experiencing. I tried my hardest to find the optimism that usually comes so easily for me. It just wasn't there. Sure, I thought, "It could be worse. It could be a terminal illness." However, I was overcome with sadness and I was upset that it was even happening at all. I wanted to go back to July when Landon was totally healthy. Scott and I worked so hard to ensure Landon's optimal health and it didn't do any good anyway. That's how I felt. There were a lot of tears.
Thursday morning I woke up feeling a little more positive. I was able to get on line and read a bit more about ulcerative colitis and what it would mean for Landon. I was also able to talk more with Dr. Hattar and ask a few pointed questions. She was once again, wonderfully compassionate and patient with me.
Late in the morning we noticed that Landon's IV was causing him pain when the nurses tried to flush it. We decided to take it out, give him a break for a few hours then insert a new IV. We were so happy to have him free of it for a few hours! He seemed relieved too. He was happy and smiling. We were able to give him a really good bath, which he needed! It was a nice little break.
Then the time came to insert a new IV. We went in to the procedure room, which is located across the hall from our room. We had no idea what we were about to go through. The nurses got everything ready and we held him still while they tried to insert a line in to his left hand. The vein blew. They looked around and decided to try the right hand again. The vein blew. They tried his right arm. The vein blew. They tried his right foot. The vein blew. They tried his left foot. The vein blew. He was crying, we were crying, the nurses were extremely sad for us. It was awful. These nurses were the best of the best, trying to get a good vein, but it just wasn't happening. In total they brought in 3 different teams of people. His low hemoglobin levels made the job very difficult. We talked about the possibility of putting in a central line. They put a call in to our doctor and we decided to start him on oral steroids and reassess in the morning. Thursday evening Landon was still having some blood loss but was doing ok. The hemoglobin levels were up and down but not down enough to warrant another transfusion, thank God.
Friday morning Landon woke up happy, which was absolutely amazing considering all he had been through the night prior. We had a good day with him, however by that evening he had started to backslide on his progress. The blood loss picked up again and it was apparent that he wasn't responding well to the oral steroids. He needed to go back to an IV. Typically they like a person to get in at least 4-6 doses of IV before going to oral. He only got 2 before we had to pull the IV that went bad. I guess I was just hoping he would be the miracle child and 2 doses would have been enough. Unfortunately this wasn't the case.
Saturday afternoon we made the walk across the hall to the procedure room. I had talked to a friend who advised me to picture a warm white blanket of love surrounding Landon during this process. When we walked in, there was a white sheet draped over the exam table. It was great because it helped me with my visualization. I did my best to remain calm this time. I talked to Landon a lot, I told him how brave he was, how proud I was of him, how strong he was, how much I loved him, how much everyone loved him. I was able to stay a little more calm. I still cried though. Holding your baby down while they continuously poke and stick him is just heartbreaking. They tried to get an IV in 3 different sites and each time the vein blew. They discussed trying to put one in his head. Scott and I said no way. I couldn't stand the thought of putting him through that to only have another vein blow. We requested having a central line put in. Within moments of leaving the procedure room Landon was smiling and playing. That kid is just awesome.
Sunday morning we got Landon all gowned up. Scott walked around the halls with him laying on his shoulder for at least 30 minutes. At 10:00, they came to get Landon for the surgical procedure to insert the central line. Scott, Landon and I were all very calm and peaceful all morning. We got down to the surgical area where we met the anesthesiologist and surgeon. While we were speaking with them Landon wanted to come to me. I held him until it was time to go. The surgeon said she would carry him to the operating room. I looked at Landon and said, "You're going to go with Dr. Molik now and she is going to help you feel better." He went right in to her arms, no hesitation, totally trusting. They walked away and Landon didn't even look back at us. It was amazingly peaceful. Scott and I both cried. I know for a fact there were many people and entire churches praying for Landon at that exact time. In those moments I felt God's presence on the deepest level I've ever known. I have never felt His presence like I did that morning. It changed something in my heart. I have always heard of people who talk about how they feel God. I have a very strong belief and faith but I had never had the wonderful experience of feeling His presence. It was beautiful.
About 45 minutes later the surgeon came out to tell us she was finished. Landon did GREAT and would be out very soon. After he came out I held him for a good 2 hours. He slept on me, occasionally opening his eyes to see where he was. Then, all of a sudden, he perked up and was ready to play! He acted like he didn't even know the line was there. It has been in for 24 hours now and Landon is making some really good progress. Instead of us carrying him around the halls he is now running, yes you read this right, RUNNING around all over the place. We are certain that this is the turning point for him. It sure is good to see our joyful child returning.
Wednesday evening was a little rough. Landon was again agitated due to the soreness from the scopes and coming down from sedation. I was an emotional mess and I couldn't figure out why. Shouldn't I be glad because we were finally given a diagnosis? I just wasn't there. I was extremely sad and feeling like I was somehow being punished for something. My thoughts were, "This isn't fair. Why Landon? Why Scott and I?" I was very confused by all of the emotions I was experiencing. I tried my hardest to find the optimism that usually comes so easily for me. It just wasn't there. Sure, I thought, "It could be worse. It could be a terminal illness." However, I was overcome with sadness and I was upset that it was even happening at all. I wanted to go back to July when Landon was totally healthy. Scott and I worked so hard to ensure Landon's optimal health and it didn't do any good anyway. That's how I felt. There were a lot of tears.
Thursday morning I woke up feeling a little more positive. I was able to get on line and read a bit more about ulcerative colitis and what it would mean for Landon. I was also able to talk more with Dr. Hattar and ask a few pointed questions. She was once again, wonderfully compassionate and patient with me.
Late in the morning we noticed that Landon's IV was causing him pain when the nurses tried to flush it. We decided to take it out, give him a break for a few hours then insert a new IV. We were so happy to have him free of it for a few hours! He seemed relieved too. He was happy and smiling. We were able to give him a really good bath, which he needed! It was a nice little break.
Then the time came to insert a new IV. We went in to the procedure room, which is located across the hall from our room. We had no idea what we were about to go through. The nurses got everything ready and we held him still while they tried to insert a line in to his left hand. The vein blew. They looked around and decided to try the right hand again. The vein blew. They tried his right arm. The vein blew. They tried his right foot. The vein blew. They tried his left foot. The vein blew. He was crying, we were crying, the nurses were extremely sad for us. It was awful. These nurses were the best of the best, trying to get a good vein, but it just wasn't happening. In total they brought in 3 different teams of people. His low hemoglobin levels made the job very difficult. We talked about the possibility of putting in a central line. They put a call in to our doctor and we decided to start him on oral steroids and reassess in the morning. Thursday evening Landon was still having some blood loss but was doing ok. The hemoglobin levels were up and down but not down enough to warrant another transfusion, thank God.
Friday morning Landon woke up happy, which was absolutely amazing considering all he had been through the night prior. We had a good day with him, however by that evening he had started to backslide on his progress. The blood loss picked up again and it was apparent that he wasn't responding well to the oral steroids. He needed to go back to an IV. Typically they like a person to get in at least 4-6 doses of IV before going to oral. He only got 2 before we had to pull the IV that went bad. I guess I was just hoping he would be the miracle child and 2 doses would have been enough. Unfortunately this wasn't the case.
Saturday afternoon we made the walk across the hall to the procedure room. I had talked to a friend who advised me to picture a warm white blanket of love surrounding Landon during this process. When we walked in, there was a white sheet draped over the exam table. It was great because it helped me with my visualization. I did my best to remain calm this time. I talked to Landon a lot, I told him how brave he was, how proud I was of him, how strong he was, how much I loved him, how much everyone loved him. I was able to stay a little more calm. I still cried though. Holding your baby down while they continuously poke and stick him is just heartbreaking. They tried to get an IV in 3 different sites and each time the vein blew. They discussed trying to put one in his head. Scott and I said no way. I couldn't stand the thought of putting him through that to only have another vein blow. We requested having a central line put in. Within moments of leaving the procedure room Landon was smiling and playing. That kid is just awesome.
Sunday morning we got Landon all gowned up. Scott walked around the halls with him laying on his shoulder for at least 30 minutes. At 10:00, they came to get Landon for the surgical procedure to insert the central line. Scott, Landon and I were all very calm and peaceful all morning. We got down to the surgical area where we met the anesthesiologist and surgeon. While we were speaking with them Landon wanted to come to me. I held him until it was time to go. The surgeon said she would carry him to the operating room. I looked at Landon and said, "You're going to go with Dr. Molik now and she is going to help you feel better." He went right in to her arms, no hesitation, totally trusting. They walked away and Landon didn't even look back at us. It was amazingly peaceful. Scott and I both cried. I know for a fact there were many people and entire churches praying for Landon at that exact time. In those moments I felt God's presence on the deepest level I've ever known. I have never felt His presence like I did that morning. It changed something in my heart. I have always heard of people who talk about how they feel God. I have a very strong belief and faith but I had never had the wonderful experience of feeling His presence. It was beautiful.
About 45 minutes later the surgeon came out to tell us she was finished. Landon did GREAT and would be out very soon. After he came out I held him for a good 2 hours. He slept on me, occasionally opening his eyes to see where he was. Then, all of a sudden, he perked up and was ready to play! He acted like he didn't even know the line was there. It has been in for 24 hours now and Landon is making some really good progress. Instead of us carrying him around the halls he is now running, yes you read this right, RUNNING around all over the place. We are certain that this is the turning point for him. It sure is good to see our joyful child returning.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Finding Answers
First, here's a little history to help you all understand.
August 25th we noticed loose stools with Landon. He was otherwise totally fine so we chalked it up to some type of food intolerance. By Labor Day weekend we began to notice what we thought may be blood in his diapers. We showed one to a friend who has been an RN for many years and she confirmed that for us. We rushed off to the ER, scared and looking for answers. After 4 hours, they sent us home with essentially no answers except that it was definitely blood. We followed up with our pediatrician (Dr. Harrington), ran all sorts of tests and everything came back totally normal. They checked his hemoglobin levels and he was still in the range of normal at a 10 (12 is ideal). We did a lot of elimination diets and Landon would get better but then the blood would return. Last Friday I changed a diaper that was essentially all blood. It was by far the worst one he had ever had and it freaked me out! I called Dr. Harrington, to get a referral to a GI specialist.
Jump forward to Monday morning. I received a call back from the nurse at Dr. Harrington's office. The first opening at the GI specialist would be nearly 2 weeks away. I decided to go ahead and take Landon in to see Dr. Harrington for a check up, because he was losing interest in eating and drinking, and they were able to work us in right away. We saw her associate, Dr. O., because she was out on jury duty. I explained the situation we had been going through with Landon and she suggested taking a bit of blood to check his levels again. Landon very bravely and calmly gave up some drops of blood and we were on our way. I was to receive a call back from the nurse in about 30 minutes with our results. Within 15 minutes of leaving the office I got a call from the doctor. Landon's levels were at a 5! She said we were to go immediately to the hospital.
We arrived at Wesley Medical Center and got all checked in on the Pediatric floor. Then came the interrogationby the residents by ONE resident in particular. She kept questioning me about stuff that had happened back in September and October. Asking me to recall tiny little details and aggressively asking questions which made me feel like I was somehow responsible for what Landon was going through. She wanted to know whey we were currently following a gluten free/dairy free diet with him. She made me feel like I was doing something wrong by feeding him those foods. One stupid question she asked was why I was in the hospital for 3 days instead of 2 when Landon was born. "Uh, because he was born late Monday night, you idiot! Besides, what does that possibly have to do with what we're dealing with right now". That's what I thought to myself anyway. She then decided that we needed to stick with the gluten free/dairy free foods. So that was a good thing I was doing? Get out of my room, Lady!
The whole first day was awful. People in and out constantly, wanting to look at or poke around on Landon. Scott and I were beyond worried and scared out of our minds. We had to hold our baby boy down while they inserted an IV in to his tiny little hand. He cried. We cried and cried and cried. The attending physician decided not to do a blood transfusion at that time because they didn't feel it was necessary. None of us slept well. Scott went home to take care of business there while I stayed with Landon. For me, leaving him was not an option. We were told the GI specialist, Dr. Hattar, would be in to talk with us about getting a plan in action but that she wouldn't be in until Tuesday afternoon.
To our surprise, Dr. Hattar showed up Tuesday morning and we were very happy to see her. Within the first minute of meeting her I felt a connection and her compassion was instant and outward. While she was speaking with us Landon had a diaper I needed to change. She took a look at that diaper, full of blood, and I felt something change. She looked me right in the eye and said, "We can't have him bleeding like that. His numbers are at a critical level and we need to transfuse right away. I am going to talk with his team of doctors here and make this happen for you." As soon as I heard the word "critical" I began to tear up. Dr. Hattar put her hand on my leg and reassured me that we were not alone and that she would make sure Landon was well cared for. I looked up at her and she also had tears in her eyes. In that moment I felt safe with her, knowing she really cared and wanted to help Landon get well. Not only did she want him well, she also wanted to reassure me that all would be ok. I have never in my entire life had an encounter like that with a doctor. She was sent to me for a reason. One point of interest; we were originally scheduled to see her associate but she was out of town. It's no coincidence that we got Dr. Hattar instead. We were SUPPOSED to get her.
Landon went in for a Meckel's scan, which would check for Meckel's diverticulum. I would go in to more detail about that but there's no need because it came back negative. He was sedated for this scan, which concerned me because of his extremely low hemoglobin. I was a worried wreck for that hour! Landon got to have his very first popsicle while in recovery from sedation and he thought that was pretty awesome. He also began his first blood transfusion. We got to see two familiar faces while in recovery, Landon's friend Krystal who works in the nursery at our church and our friend Amy who works on the Pediatric floor. Familiar faces are always comforting. It was especially great for Landon to see someone he knew who had cared for him in a different setting.
Tuesday afternoon and evening were somewhat difficult, as we still had no answers. Landon was also very agitated as he was coming down from the sedation. They set him up for another scan Wednesday morning and if that was negative as well they would set him up for upper and lower GI scopes Thursday. Dr. Hattar decided not to wait and booked an operating room for his scopes Wednesday at 12:00. Did I mention that we had to keep him without food or drink during most of this time? Yeah, that was rough too! Try telling a 19 month old he can't have milk or even water. Not fun.
He received another transfusion Wednesday morning. Dr. Hattar wouldn't perform the scope unless his levels were at a 7 or above because the risk was just too high. We went down to the surgical area Wednesday at 12:00. Handing over my baby while he cried and screamed, "Mama, Mama!" was one of the hardest things ever! The procedure took about 30 minutes and when Dr. Hattar came out to talk with us we were very anxious to hear what she had to say. She came out with some pictures and described to us what we were seeing. Then she said it. Ulcerative Colitis. The words I had been hoping and praying we would not hear. All I could think was, "NO, not the autoimmune disorder. This is for life!" Dr. Hattar reassured us that we would not be alone, that she would be there with us every step of the way and that we WOULD make sure Landon received the necessary treatment to get well. She told us he would begin treatment immediately and that she would be back in the morning to answer all of our questions after we had some time to think and process everything. Although I was relieved to finally have an answer, I was overcome with a deep sadness. In that moment I went from simply being a Mama to being a Mama to a child with a chronic illness. It was quite a blow.
To be continued.......
August 25th we noticed loose stools with Landon. He was otherwise totally fine so we chalked it up to some type of food intolerance. By Labor Day weekend we began to notice what we thought may be blood in his diapers. We showed one to a friend who has been an RN for many years and she confirmed that for us. We rushed off to the ER, scared and looking for answers. After 4 hours, they sent us home with essentially no answers except that it was definitely blood. We followed up with our pediatrician (Dr. Harrington), ran all sorts of tests and everything came back totally normal. They checked his hemoglobin levels and he was still in the range of normal at a 10 (12 is ideal). We did a lot of elimination diets and Landon would get better but then the blood would return. Last Friday I changed a diaper that was essentially all blood. It was by far the worst one he had ever had and it freaked me out! I called Dr. Harrington, to get a referral to a GI specialist.
Jump forward to Monday morning. I received a call back from the nurse at Dr. Harrington's office. The first opening at the GI specialist would be nearly 2 weeks away. I decided to go ahead and take Landon in to see Dr. Harrington for a check up, because he was losing interest in eating and drinking, and they were able to work us in right away. We saw her associate, Dr. O., because she was out on jury duty. I explained the situation we had been going through with Landon and she suggested taking a bit of blood to check his levels again. Landon very bravely and calmly gave up some drops of blood and we were on our way. I was to receive a call back from the nurse in about 30 minutes with our results. Within 15 minutes of leaving the office I got a call from the doctor. Landon's levels were at a 5! She said we were to go immediately to the hospital.
We arrived at Wesley Medical Center and got all checked in on the Pediatric floor. Then came the interrogation
The whole first day was awful. People in and out constantly, wanting to look at or poke around on Landon. Scott and I were beyond worried and scared out of our minds. We had to hold our baby boy down while they inserted an IV in to his tiny little hand. He cried. We cried and cried and cried. The attending physician decided not to do a blood transfusion at that time because they didn't feel it was necessary. None of us slept well. Scott went home to take care of business there while I stayed with Landon. For me, leaving him was not an option. We were told the GI specialist, Dr. Hattar, would be in to talk with us about getting a plan in action but that she wouldn't be in until Tuesday afternoon.
To our surprise, Dr. Hattar showed up Tuesday morning and we were very happy to see her. Within the first minute of meeting her I felt a connection and her compassion was instant and outward. While she was speaking with us Landon had a diaper I needed to change. She took a look at that diaper, full of blood, and I felt something change. She looked me right in the eye and said, "We can't have him bleeding like that. His numbers are at a critical level and we need to transfuse right away. I am going to talk with his team of doctors here and make this happen for you." As soon as I heard the word "critical" I began to tear up. Dr. Hattar put her hand on my leg and reassured me that we were not alone and that she would make sure Landon was well cared for. I looked up at her and she also had tears in her eyes. In that moment I felt safe with her, knowing she really cared and wanted to help Landon get well. Not only did she want him well, she also wanted to reassure me that all would be ok. I have never in my entire life had an encounter like that with a doctor. She was sent to me for a reason. One point of interest; we were originally scheduled to see her associate but she was out of town. It's no coincidence that we got Dr. Hattar instead. We were SUPPOSED to get her.
Landon went in for a Meckel's scan, which would check for Meckel's diverticulum. I would go in to more detail about that but there's no need because it came back negative. He was sedated for this scan, which concerned me because of his extremely low hemoglobin. I was a worried wreck for that hour! Landon got to have his very first popsicle while in recovery from sedation and he thought that was pretty awesome. He also began his first blood transfusion. We got to see two familiar faces while in recovery, Landon's friend Krystal who works in the nursery at our church and our friend Amy who works on the Pediatric floor. Familiar faces are always comforting. It was especially great for Landon to see someone he knew who had cared for him in a different setting.
Tuesday afternoon and evening were somewhat difficult, as we still had no answers. Landon was also very agitated as he was coming down from the sedation. They set him up for another scan Wednesday morning and if that was negative as well they would set him up for upper and lower GI scopes Thursday. Dr. Hattar decided not to wait and booked an operating room for his scopes Wednesday at 12:00. Did I mention that we had to keep him without food or drink during most of this time? Yeah, that was rough too! Try telling a 19 month old he can't have milk or even water. Not fun.
He received another transfusion Wednesday morning. Dr. Hattar wouldn't perform the scope unless his levels were at a 7 or above because the risk was just too high. We went down to the surgical area Wednesday at 12:00. Handing over my baby while he cried and screamed, "Mama, Mama!" was one of the hardest things ever! The procedure took about 30 minutes and when Dr. Hattar came out to talk with us we were very anxious to hear what she had to say. She came out with some pictures and described to us what we were seeing. Then she said it. Ulcerative Colitis. The words I had been hoping and praying we would not hear. All I could think was, "NO, not the autoimmune disorder. This is for life!" Dr. Hattar reassured us that we would not be alone, that she would be there with us every step of the way and that we WOULD make sure Landon received the necessary treatment to get well. She told us he would begin treatment immediately and that she would be back in the morning to answer all of our questions after we had some time to think and process everything. Although I was relieved to finally have an answer, I was overcome with a deep sadness. In that moment I went from simply being a Mama to being a Mama to a child with a chronic illness. It was quite a blow.
To be continued.......
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Birthday
As of today, I'm 35. Big deal? Not for me! I have had the best birthday I've had in years.
It went a lil something like this.
Wake up to Landon's chattering. Feed my lil sweetie breakfast. Sweep the floors. Play with the Love Bug. Play on Facebook. Throw in some laundry. Play with Love Bug some more. Eat lunch. Shower. Get a pedicure. Donate blood. A couple other Good Deeds. Go to work. Find flowers on my desk from Mama and Shan! Come home to my sweet family. Pizza and cake. Visit with Mom and Dad F. Blog a little.
I was overwhelmed with love and joy today. It's interesting because I didn't do anything "special" but the whole day definitely felt special.
Perfect day!
It went a lil something like this.
Wake up to Landon's chattering. Feed my lil sweetie breakfast. Sweep the floors. Play with the Love Bug. Play on Facebook. Throw in some laundry. Play with Love Bug some more. Eat lunch. Shower. Get a pedicure. Donate blood. A couple other Good Deeds. Go to work. Find flowers on my desk from Mama and Shan! Come home to my sweet family. Pizza and cake. Visit with Mom and Dad F. Blog a little.
I was overwhelmed with love and joy today. It's interesting because I didn't do anything "special" but the whole day definitely felt special.
Perfect day!
BDGD 35/35 - I DID IT!!!
I left several handwritten notes on cars in the parking lot near my office. The cards read, "Your presence is a true gift to this world. SMILE! :-)"
I am nearly in tears as I type this post. I can hardly believe I actually saw this through! I am overwhelmed with joy right now. This was the absolute best gift I could have ever given myself.
One thing I've realized during this process is that there are always opportunities to do something nice for those around you. It takes almost no effort and can change lives. This process definitely changed my way of thinking.
I am grateful for all the opportunities I had to lend a hand, smile, hug or Good Deed!!
I am nearly in tears as I type this post. I can hardly believe I actually saw this through! I am overwhelmed with joy right now. This was the absolute best gift I could have ever given myself.
One thing I've realized during this process is that there are always opportunities to do something nice for those around you. It takes almost no effort and can change lives. This process definitely changed my way of thinking.
I am grateful for all the opportunities I had to lend a hand, smile, hug or Good Deed!!
BDGD 34/35
I left a card on a car parked in the "Blood Donor Only" space. I thanked them for their donation and for saving a life.
BDGD 33/35
I donated blood today. This is something I was in the habit of doing a long time ago. Turns out, it's been longer ago than I thought. 2001 to be exact. Things sure have changed since last time I was there! The check-in process, iron test and list of questions are all computerized now! One thing that hasn't changed is the sweet white haired ladies working in the canteen. That was my favorite part of my experience. I heart sweet old ladies!
FYI, our local Red Cross is low on all blood types. If you can take an hour out of your day, go donate. You just may save a life!
FYI, our local Red Cross is low on all blood types. If you can take an hour out of your day, go donate. You just may save a life!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
BDGD 30/35
Let Scottie have full control of the remote for a night and didn't complain at all about what he chose to watch. Even when it was sprint car racing!
Monday, August 15, 2011
BDGD 28/35
Listened as someone used me as their sounding board. Hey, we all need to vent every now and then!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
BDGD 26/35
Expressed my sincere appreciation and gratitude to several people in my life who really make a difference to those around them.
BDGD 24/35
Made breakfast for my hubster, making sure his bacon was extra crispy, just the way he likes it.
BDGD 23/35
Loaned and delivered my baby sling to a dear friend. I hope she finds it as helpful as I did when Landon was little!
BDGD 19/35
Lightened the load for a Mama who was trying to carry everything along with her two children.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
BDGD 15/35
Left a generous tip. The recipient was so appreciative! She thanked me more than once and smiled from ear to ear. Totally amazing. Totally awesome. Totally worth it. She made MY day!!!
BDGD 13/35
Let someone in front of me in line at the grocery store. Yes, another grocery store GD. So what, I like to grocery shop! :-)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
What Dreams May Come
Throughout my adult years I have looked for hobbies and thought about possible career paths. For some reason I tend to shy away from the things which someone else in my life "already does". I'm not sure why I've done this. During some time of deep reflection lately, I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what I choose to fill my time with, there will always be someone who has paved the way, so to speak.
At times being a nurse sounds like a good path for me, but that's a no go because it's what Stef does. I've thought about getting in to hair and make up as a career, but no, because that's what Joni does. I've considered teaching, but uh-uh, that's what Kristi does. I've considered photography as a hobby (for MANY years now!), but nope, that's what Jesse and Aunt Carolyn do. Culinary school would be tons of fun, and I really think I would love it, but there isn't a school here in Wichita.
All these "buts" in my life have really held me back!
Why on earth has it taken me so long to realize this?!?
I am no longer going to let what others do stand in the way of my dreams.
I am saving for a professional camera and I am enrolling in some photography classes. I've wanted to do this for way too long and the time is now! I feel excited, more excited than I've been about anything in a long time. Besides, I have a pretty darling little subject at home!
At times being a nurse sounds like a good path for me, but that's a no go because it's what Stef does. I've thought about getting in to hair and make up as a career, but no, because that's what Joni does. I've considered teaching, but uh-uh, that's what Kristi does. I've considered photography as a hobby (for MANY years now!), but nope, that's what Jesse and Aunt Carolyn do. Culinary school would be tons of fun, and I really think I would love it, but there isn't a school here in Wichita.
All these "buts" in my life have really held me back!
Why on earth has it taken me so long to realize this?!?
I am no longer going to let what others do stand in the way of my dreams.
I am saving for a professional camera and I am enrolling in some photography classes. I've wanted to do this for way too long and the time is now! I feel excited, more excited than I've been about anything in a long time. Besides, I have a pretty darling little subject at home!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Happy Birthday, Sis.
I have been looking forward to making this blog entry all day!
Today is the day to celebrate my sister. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Shannon!!!
It's fun to think we've gone from this.....
To this.....
Let me tell you a little bit about this amazing woman.
From the day I was born, she loved me, unconditionally, and I loved her right back. She was always my protector and still is. She read me Green Eggs and Ham until she had the whole book memorized. She did it because it made me happy. If I was in trouble with our parents she would yell at them, because to her I was perfect. When I was sent to my room, she snuck in to make sure I was ok. When a kid in the neighborhood picked on me and gave me a bloody lip she chased him to his house to make sure his parents knew what he'd done. When I gave away her sweet sixteen ruby ring to a kid on the bus (I honestly thought it was just a novelty ring!) she wasn't at all upset with me. Ok, maybe she was, but she sure didn't let me know it. When I wore her clothes she beamed with delight because she knew I just wanted to be like her, if even for a day. When she moved out of our house, she made it clear that I was always welcome in her new place. She made sure I had a way to get there to spend the night, because I just wanted to be near her. I still run to her house, a lot. :-) She has always been my biggest cheerleader. If anyone needs something, one phone call and she will make sure everything is in place to make sure they are ok. She's phenomenal. She is one of the most amazing Mama's I have had the pleasure of knowing. I strive to be as patient as she is with her darling little angels. If you don't know my sister, you're missing out on one of God's greatest creations. She is beautiful in every single way. I am so blessed to have her not only as my sister but also my friend.
Thank you, Sis, for enriching my life by simply being you. I hope your day had been happy, blessed and full of all the good things you so selflessly give to this world. I love you!
Today is the day to celebrate my sister. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Shannon!!!
It's fun to think we've gone from this.....
 |
| Circa early 90's |
To this.....
 |
| Yes, this is a year old but you get the point. :-) |
Let me tell you a little bit about this amazing woman.
From the day I was born, she loved me, unconditionally, and I loved her right back. She was always my protector and still is. She read me Green Eggs and Ham until she had the whole book memorized. She did it because it made me happy. If I was in trouble with our parents she would yell at them, because to her I was perfect. When I was sent to my room, she snuck in to make sure I was ok. When a kid in the neighborhood picked on me and gave me a bloody lip she chased him to his house to make sure his parents knew what he'd done. When I gave away her sweet sixteen ruby ring to a kid on the bus (I honestly thought it was just a novelty ring!) she wasn't at all upset with me. Ok, maybe she was, but she sure didn't let me know it. When I wore her clothes she beamed with delight because she knew I just wanted to be like her, if even for a day. When she moved out of our house, she made it clear that I was always welcome in her new place. She made sure I had a way to get there to spend the night, because I just wanted to be near her. I still run to her house, a lot. :-) She has always been my biggest cheerleader. If anyone needs something, one phone call and she will make sure everything is in place to make sure they are ok. She's phenomenal. She is one of the most amazing Mama's I have had the pleasure of knowing. I strive to be as patient as she is with her darling little angels. If you don't know my sister, you're missing out on one of God's greatest creations. She is beautiful in every single way. I am so blessed to have her not only as my sister but also my friend.
Thank you, Sis, for enriching my life by simply being you. I hope your day had been happy, blessed and full of all the good things you so selflessly give to this world. I love you!
BDGD 6/35
Baked and delivered cookies to my sister today because it's her birthday! Happy Birthday, Shan!
BDGD 5/35
Baked cookies for a mother mourning the loss of her son. Even if she doesn't feel like eating them, I hope she's able to share them with the many visitors she has right now.
BDGD 4/35
Gave my shopping cart to a fellow shopper. The grocery store seems to present me with of loads of Good Deed opportunities!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Opportunities
This whole BDGD thing is fun! One of my favorite parts so far is that I find myself constantly thinking of good things I can do for others. How cool is that? Super cool. The opportunities are endless.
BDGD 1/35
Helped a darling, sweet woman pick out produce in the grocery store. Believe it or not, people approach me in the store quite often asking for help. I love it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
BD + GD = HD
That makes total sense, right? No? Ok, then, in other words...
Birthdays + Good Deeds = Happy Days. Better? Good deal. Birthday's involve cake. Win! Good deeds involve making others (and usually yourself) feel super awesome. Win! Happy days result in all of the above. Winner, winner, ice cream dinner! Or something like that.
Now where was I? Oh yes, this...
My 35th Birthday...it's ah-comin'. This year (inspired by my friend Katy) I plan to do one good deed each day leading up to my actual day of birth. I should have started on the 12th of this month in order to do 35 deeds but, alas, I'm late. SO, I'll start now and do more than one on a few days in order to get caught up. I'll be writing about them here. PLEASE, feel free to give me ideas! I'm worried that my brain will stop working all together and I won't be able to think of super cool things to do. If you were the recipient, what would you appreciate someone doing for you? I'd like to hear all of your ideas. Especially those which could remain anonymous or don't cost a lot of cashola. GO!
Birthdays + Good Deeds = Happy Days. Better? Good deal. Birthday's involve cake. Win! Good deeds involve making others (and usually yourself) feel super awesome. Win! Happy days result in all of the above. Winner, winner, ice cream dinner! Or something like that.
Now where was I? Oh yes, this...
My 35th Birthday...it's ah-comin'. This year (inspired by my friend Katy) I plan to do one good deed each day leading up to my actual day of birth. I should have started on the 12th of this month in order to do 35 deeds but, alas, I'm late. SO, I'll start now and do more than one on a few days in order to get caught up. I'll be writing about them here. PLEASE, feel free to give me ideas! I'm worried that my brain will stop working all together and I won't be able to think of super cool things to do. If you were the recipient, what would you appreciate someone doing for you? I'd like to hear all of your ideas. Especially those which could remain anonymous or don't cost a lot of cashola. GO!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
One day...
I WILL own this!
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It's my dream! Scott, if you're reading, buy me this and I promise to make you a cake like that.
It's my dream! Scott, if you're reading, buy me this and I promise to make you a cake like that.
Reminders From Unexpected Sources
I watched the Diane Sawyer interview with Jaycee Dugard this past Sunday. Jaycee's mother, speaking through tears, was expressing regret because she had not kissed Jaycee goodbye before leaving for work the morning Jaycee was kidnapped. She was in a rush to get to work because she had been late the two previous Monday's. She then said something that I needed to hear at that exact moment. Basically, she said, take time for your children, even when it seems inconvenient. A short and simple statement that resonated to my core. There are lots of times as parents that we choose not to do something because it's a pain in the a$$ too much of a hassle. I had a particularly rough afternoon with Landon (frackin' teething), who did not want to nap and decided it was best to scream and cry and pick on Mommy. Hearing the words from Jaycee's mother, watching that interview of all the adversity Jaycee overcame, gave me a renewed appreciation for Motherhood. I have always felt uber blessed to have been given the gift of life. However, that appreciation sometimes wanes in the chaos of daily life of a little one. Our reminders are everywhere, the key is being open to receive them.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Fussytown. Population One.
Teething. Need I say more? This kid must be getting like all of his teeth right now! He's had the nastiest diapers for, going on, two weeks. The diaper rash gets awful, then heals. He's never had much trouble with diaper rash. Until now. I am ready to have my "Happy All The Time Even When I'm Not Supposed to Be Happy" baby back. He's been a trooper really. Mostly, he wants to sit on my lap and read books. I will NEVER get tired of that!
Recently, instead of me rocking him to sleep, he prefers to simply lay on his own in his crib and go to sleep. Stab me in the heart why don't ya? Ok, that's more than a little dramatic. Tonight I could tell he just wanted me to put him in his bed and I totally bawled. While holding him. Hey, it's ok for him to see that Mommy cries too! He was just the sweetest. He kept touching my face and looking at me all crazy like. Ah, Motherhood. Nothing prepares one for all the insane emotions, runny poop, smiles, tugs at the heartstrings...I'll stop there.
Here's Landon from one moment...
To the next....
To the next....
To the next...
To the next...
There's today. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Even if that means more runny diapers and another day with the Bi-polar Boy Wonder.
Recently, instead of me rocking him to sleep, he prefers to simply lay on his own in his crib and go to sleep. Stab me in the heart why don't ya? Ok, that's more than a little dramatic. Tonight I could tell he just wanted me to put him in his bed and I totally bawled. While holding him. Hey, it's ok for him to see that Mommy cries too! He was just the sweetest. He kept touching my face and looking at me all crazy like. Ah, Motherhood. Nothing prepares one for all the insane emotions, runny poop, smiles, tugs at the heartstrings...I'll stop there.
Here's Landon from one moment...
To the next....
To the next....
There's today. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Even if that means more runny diapers and another day with the Bi-polar Boy Wonder.
Friday, May 13, 2011
A Special Someone is ONE!
It's true, as of April 26th, Landon is 1. I still can hardly believe I have a ONE year old. Hell, sometimes I find it hard to believe I'm married to a great guy, let alone have a kid and house too. That's part of my life though. We had so much fun celebrating our first year with Landon. On his actual birthday I took the day off work and Scott took the afternoon off so we could have some good family time together. Here's a look in to how our day went...
I went in to his room in the morning and we started the day with me singing him Happy Birthday...and I cried...go figure. He just wanted to get outta the crib!
Then he had breakfast of yogurt and applesauce.
I actually had time to get my shower and make up done before getting him up so after breakfast we took a couple Mommy and Me pictures.
Landon woke up happy, as usual, and a little clingy, which isn't usually him. I like to think it was because he, on some level, was remembering what we were doing a year ago. :-) We rushed around to get his 1 year picture appointment. What an experience. I will NEVER go it alone again! Not only was this kid just a tad clingy (apparently he didn't get the memo that Momma didn't want to be in the photos), he was also not in the mood to smile much. By the end he was screaming and I was drowning in sweat. Frustrating and gross. You would never know from these pictures though.
We had lunch with Nana at Old Chicago. That was a lot of fun and, after the whole photo shoot fiasco, Landon was actually in a great mood!
I made his cake for the big party and a little cupcake for him to have on his actual birthday.
He hated it!
After the cake, we all (yes Scott and I too) took a nap. We had planned to go to the park to play but the day turned rainy so we ended up at the mall. We let Landon ride a couple of kiddie rides for the first time and he had so much fun!
By the time we got home to open the presents from Mommy and Daddy, he was pretty much over it. We snapped a couple photos anyway.
It was a wonderful day! I rocked him for a long time before laying him in his crib for bed. Then I went downstairs and wrote a letter to him, which will go in to his baby book. I am extremely lucky to be his Mommy and am forever grateful for him!
I went in to his room in the morning and we started the day with me singing him Happy Birthday...and I cried...go figure. He just wanted to get outta the crib!
Then he had breakfast of yogurt and applesauce.
I actually had time to get my shower and make up done before getting him up so after breakfast we took a couple Mommy and Me pictures.
Landon woke up happy, as usual, and a little clingy, which isn't usually him. I like to think it was because he, on some level, was remembering what we were doing a year ago. :-) We rushed around to get his 1 year picture appointment. What an experience. I will NEVER go it alone again! Not only was this kid just a tad clingy (apparently he didn't get the memo that Momma didn't want to be in the photos), he was also not in the mood to smile much. By the end he was screaming and I was drowning in sweat. Frustrating and gross. You would never know from these pictures though.
We had lunch with Nana at Old Chicago. That was a lot of fun and, after the whole photo shoot fiasco, Landon was actually in a great mood!
I made his cake for the big party and a little cupcake for him to have on his actual birthday.
He hated it!
After the cake, we all (yes Scott and I too) took a nap. We had planned to go to the park to play but the day turned rainy so we ended up at the mall. We let Landon ride a couple of kiddie rides for the first time and he had so much fun!
By the time we got home to open the presents from Mommy and Daddy, he was pretty much over it. We snapped a couple photos anyway.
It was a wonderful day! I rocked him for a long time before laying him in his crib for bed. Then I went downstairs and wrote a letter to him, which will go in to his baby book. I am extremely lucky to be his Mommy and am forever grateful for him!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Landon's First Easter - Part 2
After all the fun with the Easter basket, we got dressed up and ready for breakfast at Nana and Papa's house, followed by church. Of course, when we arrived at Nana and Papa's there was another basket waiting for him! Thank you Nana and Papa!
We had a little time to play before church and were even able to get an okay family photo...
We attempted to keep Landon in the sanctuary for the Easter service...
After church we headed over for our celebration and egg hunt with my side of the family. The food was fabulous, the egg hunt was lots of fun and the time with family was priceless. We are truly blessed with a lot of love! Thank you all for helping make this holiday one to remember!! Click http://s1132.photobucket.com/albums/m573/lesleefre/Easter%202011/ to view a slide show of more pictures. :-)
We had a little time to play before church and were even able to get an okay family photo...
We attempted to keep Landon in the sanctuary for the Easter service...
After church we headed over for our celebration and egg hunt with my side of the family. The food was fabulous, the egg hunt was lots of fun and the time with family was priceless. We are truly blessed with a lot of love! Thank you all for helping make this holiday one to remember!! Click http://s1132.photobucket.com/albums/m573/lesleefre/Easter%202011/ to view a slide show of more pictures. :-)
Landon's First Easter - Part 1
Oh what a weekend! We kept ourselves busy with egg hunts, shopping, baking and preparing for our sweet boy's very first Easter. Scott left for some umpiring Friday so it was just Landon and I. We went to the annual egg hunt at our church Saturday morning. We were joined by Nana and her friend Chris, Grandma, Aunt Shanny, Uncle Michael, Ian, Adria and our friends Jamie, Terry and Zane. It was such fun!
Landon was thrilled to be outside and really didn't get the whole "hunting for eggs" thing...
He found one egg....
And he was perfectly content!
If only we could all be happy with just this...
Landon had some fun with his basket...
...and posed for a photo with Mommy
...and his cousins...
He and Zane talked about how much fun they had!
Then Zane give him a BIG hug...
What a fun day!
Sunday morning we all got up and started getting ready for church. I had this beautiful vision of sitting down with Landon, giving him his first Easter basket and watching his eyes light up looking at all his goodies. I mean, it was a pretty awesome basket!
Scott and I were getting ready and Landon was playing, we thought, in his room. He was very quiet so I went to check on him. I found him in OUR room with his basket pulled down on the floor, with the contents scattered all around him. I guess he liked it!
NEXT BLOG: Easter Part 2
Landon was thrilled to be outside and really didn't get the whole "hunting for eggs" thing...
He found one egg....
And he was perfectly content!
If only we could all be happy with just this...
Landon had some fun with his basket...
...and his cousins...
He and Zane talked about how much fun they had!
Then Zane give him a BIG hug...
What a fun day!
Sunday morning we all got up and started getting ready for church. I had this beautiful vision of sitting down with Landon, giving him his first Easter basket and watching his eyes light up looking at all his goodies. I mean, it was a pretty awesome basket!
Scott and I were getting ready and Landon was playing, we thought, in his room. He was very quiet so I went to check on him. I found him in OUR room with his basket pulled down on the floor, with the contents scattered all around him. I guess he liked it!
NEXT BLOG: Easter Part 2