Four.

This guy.....

He turned four. He's four. Four years old. Maybe if I type it enough times it will actually begin to register that my baby is four. FOUR. I decided to write a letter to him and am sharing it here.

My Dearest Love Bug,

You captured my heart from the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of you. I prayed for you before you were even created. My prayers were answered April 26th, 2010. You have shown me what true strength is. You have been through a lot in your time here, and you've weathered it with grace. I know you don't even know what that means yet, but one day you will. You will have a full understanding and when that time comes, I want you to know I always saw it in you. I have always believed in you. I am certain you will go on to teach this world things we never could have imagined. Your fortitude amazes me.

You are such a cool kid! Here are some of the things you are in to right now:

• Playing soccer with Daddy. You love to kick that ball and you're really good too! You have the strongest little legs. You are super excited about going to Soccer Camp this summer.
• Snuggles with Mama and Daddy. Every weekend, we lay in our bed and have our "morning snuggles", per your request. I love it and cherish those moments with you.
• Reading books. You don't care who is reading to you, as long as someone is. 
• Learning. You are constantly asking questions and want to know more about everything! You are wicked smart.
• You want to know something I think is totally cool? You are ambidextrous. That means you're able to use both of your hands with equal skill. Wow! 
• Helping Mama in the kitchen. Anytime I am baking or cooking, you want to be there helping. You know how to measure dry ingredients and you really like to crack eggs. 
• Riding your bike. You are super fast! 
• Your favorite shows are Paw Patrol, Daniel Tigers Neighborhood, The Magic School Bus, Super Why and Bubble Guppies. Even though you enjoy watching these shows, you would rather play outside.
• Arts and crafts are still one of your favorite activities. Specifically, you like to glue and cut papers to create cool things.
• You think Tickle Time Outs are hysterical. You shout "TICKLE TIME OUT" then Mama tickles you like crazy. It's seriously fun for both of us!
• Park dates, especially with Daddy.
• Trash trucks. Real trucks and the toy kind.
• You call me Mama, not Mommy, which I love.
• You are incredibly strong willed! You want to do things your own way. 

We went for your Well Kid check up today. You have grown so much! As a matter of fact, you've grown 4 whole inches just since December of last year! You're a little on the short side, (thank your Mommy for that one!) at 39" tall, which puts you in the 20th percentile. At your 3 year check up you were only in the 3rd percentile so you're definitely making progress! Your weight is totally normal for your stature. Let me tell you a little story about what you did while we were seeing Dr. H today. When she came in the room you were kicking the table with your feet. I asked you to stop and you smiled at me and kept kicking. Then, Dr. H told you that she couldn't hear Mommy so you really needed to stop kicking. You stopped immediately and got very embarrassed. You refused to talk and wanted to hold my hand. I love your sensitive nature and I hope it never changes. You are an incredible little being, with a kind, sweet spirit. You get your feelings hurt easily and are very sensitive to how others are feeling. I happen to think that's pretty special. When we are out in public, people are drawn to you. Every time we go somewhere, people approach you. You often get shy and don't want to talk. That's okay. You have impeccable manners. You are very good at saying please and thank you, which makes Mama and Daddy incredibly proud. 

Your presence is truly a gift to all those you encounter. I feel honored every single day that I was chosen to be your Mama. Thank you for blessing Daddy and I. If I could choose anyone in the whole world to be my son, I would pick you every time. I adore every thing about you. I love you like no one else. You are special. You are unique. You are a gift. 

All My Love,

Mama

I cannot believe I have a four year old. Seriously. 

You can see how much he's grown and changed by clicking HERE. 

Now, please excuse me while I go play with this darling boy.

Choosing Joy

It's no secret to those who are close to me that I've been having a tough time lately. I can't quite put my finger on what the exact cause is. I'm not sure if I even need to know the cause at this point. Truly, I just want to feel better. I haven't been writing at all. I have lacked all motivation to do so. I threw this incredible birthday party a couple of weeks ago and haven't even posted about that yet. I promise I will. Soon. 

I know there is a lot going on energetically right now. Things are moving and shifting and all kinds of stuff is swirling around me. I feel it. 

I'm real. I'm a person with emotions. I get envious of others. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel frustrated and angry. I feel contempt. I feel like sleeping for days. I get my feelings hurt. I feel like a complete failure at times. On the flip side, I feel happy. I am proud of the successes of others. I feel loved. I feel wanted. I feel joy. I feel content. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, even if it isn't always enjoyable. I am grateful for my life. 

One thing I've realized in the last several months, is that the things I put in my body have a direct impact on how I feel emotionally and physically. I'm making positive changes and have already seen some improvements in my general well being. For me, this time it isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling better. 

Although I am typically a highly social person, I've found myself wanting time to myself a lot lately. I give all I've got at work and to my family when I get home in the evenings. Then, I'm ready to just be. This is a weird place for me, because I actually really enjoy people and crave human interaction. It's just that lately, I've craved time alone more. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I am unsure what it is, but I feel like something is about to happen. 

Here's the thing, no matter how shitty I feel, or how much it feels like things aren't the way I would like them to be, there is ALWAYS joy. Even though the last 6 months or so have been weird and emotional, I've made a conscious effort every single day to find something to be thankful for. I choose to look for the joy on a daily basis. Some days it's much harder than others. Often times, I decide to be grateful for something as simple as having clean, purified water to drink, or a warm bed to sleep in. Other times, I'm thankful for the bigger things, like the opportunity to be with my child every single day, to mentor him as he advances in his journey. Or that I have a loving, supportive husband, who has loved me through all of this and more. It doesn't mean I always feel joyful, but I am at least making an effort. 

Days like yesterday, those are hard. I got to help Landon through a seemingly ridiculous fit over cereal. A fit that lasted well in to our drive to school. I went through the motions at work and put on my professional, happy face. I wasn't able to shake the feeling from the morning though. I tried and I definitely found joy, but the feeling of yuck was still there. Days like today, not so tough. It's a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing. I started my morning with snuggles from my darling boy, followed by his laughter and smiles. As I was pulling out of the drive way, he ran out and declared, "more kisses and hugs please!". Of course I obliged, he in his Batman undies and jammie top, me in my work clothes, pressed together in the drivers seat of my van, as he bounced to the music and grinned from ear to ear. In those few moments we exchanged a special kind of love. He energized my soul in a way that only a child can. I have no doubt I shared the kind of love for his soul like only a mother knows to provide. 

I'm choosing joy, even on the days I don't feel it.