Blanket

Blanket. 

It's been with him since birth. 

We actually purchased an exact duplicate so we could switch it out for washings. 

He loves his blanket. 

It provides a sense of security and brings him comfort when he has to be brave. 

It has helped him through many fevers and childhood Yuckies. 

We have been working on keeping blanket in bed only, not dragging it all over the house. It's been challenging. Honestly, I don't care if he sleeps with it until he's grown, I just don't want him throwing it at the cat, leaving it on the kitchen floor, spilling cereal on it...you get what I'm saying. 

Today, Landon was playing, then started to get grumpy. I figured he was hungry and offered him a snack. He decline and asked to get blanket out of his bed. I reminded him of what we are working on and told him he was welcome to go sit on his bed with blanket. What happened next was melt down city!

I tried to explain things, I attempted to reason with him. He cried and begged for blanket. I stood my ground, until, with huge tears streaming down his rosy cheeks, he said these words. "Mommy, I promise I will do anything you want, whatever you ask, if you will just let me snuggle with blanket." 

My child was in a moment of true heartache. This wasn't manipulation, and trust me I did think about that. I've seen those behaviors before and this was different. I began to cry right along with him as I truly felt what he was feeling. I caved. We talked it through and decided today would be our last day with blanket out of bed. We will start fresh tomorrow. 

Do your kids have a security item? What is it? How long did you allow them to have it? 

Four.

This guy.....

He turned four. He's four. Four years old. Maybe if I type it enough times it will actually begin to register that my baby is four. FOUR. I decided to write a letter to him and am sharing it here.

My Dearest Love Bug,

You captured my heart from the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of you. I prayed for you before you were even created. My prayers were answered April 26th, 2010. You have shown me what true strength is. You have been through a lot in your time here, and you've weathered it with grace. I know you don't even know what that means yet, but one day you will. You will have a full understanding and when that time comes, I want you to know I always saw it in you. I have always believed in you. I am certain you will go on to teach this world things we never could have imagined. Your fortitude amazes me.

You are such a cool kid! Here are some of the things you are in to right now:

• Playing soccer with Daddy. You love to kick that ball and you're really good too! You have the strongest little legs. You are super excited about going to Soccer Camp this summer.
• Snuggles with Mama and Daddy. Every weekend, we lay in our bed and have our "morning snuggles", per your request. I love it and cherish those moments with you.
• Reading books. You don't care who is reading to you, as long as someone is. 
• Learning. You are constantly asking questions and want to know more about everything! You are wicked smart.
• You want to know something I think is totally cool? You are ambidextrous. That means you're able to use both of your hands with equal skill. Wow! 
• Helping Mama in the kitchen. Anytime I am baking or cooking, you want to be there helping. You know how to measure dry ingredients and you really like to crack eggs. 
• Riding your bike. You are super fast! 
• Your favorite shows are Paw Patrol, Daniel Tigers Neighborhood, The Magic School Bus, Super Why and Bubble Guppies. Even though you enjoy watching these shows, you would rather play outside.
• Arts and crafts are still one of your favorite activities. Specifically, you like to glue and cut papers to create cool things.
• You think Tickle Time Outs are hysterical. You shout "TICKLE TIME OUT" then Mama tickles you like crazy. It's seriously fun for both of us!
• Park dates, especially with Daddy.
• Trash trucks. Real trucks and the toy kind.
• You call me Mama, not Mommy, which I love.
• You are incredibly strong willed! You want to do things your own way. 

We went for your Well Kid check up today. You have grown so much! As a matter of fact, you've grown 4 whole inches just since December of last year! You're a little on the short side, (thank your Mommy for that one!) at 39" tall, which puts you in the 20th percentile. At your 3 year check up you were only in the 3rd percentile so you're definitely making progress! Your weight is totally normal for your stature. Let me tell you a little story about what you did while we were seeing Dr. H today. When she came in the room you were kicking the table with your feet. I asked you to stop and you smiled at me and kept kicking. Then, Dr. H told you that she couldn't hear Mommy so you really needed to stop kicking. You stopped immediately and got very embarrassed. You refused to talk and wanted to hold my hand. I love your sensitive nature and I hope it never changes. You are an incredible little being, with a kind, sweet spirit. You get your feelings hurt easily and are very sensitive to how others are feeling. I happen to think that's pretty special. When we are out in public, people are drawn to you. Every time we go somewhere, people approach you. You often get shy and don't want to talk. That's okay. You have impeccable manners. You are very good at saying please and thank you, which makes Mama and Daddy incredibly proud. 

Your presence is truly a gift to all those you encounter. I feel honored every single day that I was chosen to be your Mama. Thank you for blessing Daddy and I. If I could choose anyone in the whole world to be my son, I would pick you every time. I adore every thing about you. I love you like no one else. You are special. You are unique. You are a gift. 

All My Love,

Mama

I cannot believe I have a four year old. Seriously. 

You can see how much he's grown and changed by clicking HERE. 

Now, please excuse me while I go play with this darling boy.

Choosing Joy

It's no secret to those who are close to me that I've been having a tough time lately. I can't quite put my finger on what the exact cause is. I'm not sure if I even need to know the cause at this point. Truly, I just want to feel better. I haven't been writing at all. I have lacked all motivation to do so. I threw this incredible birthday party a couple of weeks ago and haven't even posted about that yet. I promise I will. Soon. 

I know there is a lot going on energetically right now. Things are moving and shifting and all kinds of stuff is swirling around me. I feel it. 

I'm real. I'm a person with emotions. I get envious of others. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel frustrated and angry. I feel contempt. I feel like sleeping for days. I get my feelings hurt. I feel like a complete failure at times. On the flip side, I feel happy. I am proud of the successes of others. I feel loved. I feel wanted. I feel joy. I feel content. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, even if it isn't always enjoyable. I am grateful for my life. 

One thing I've realized in the last several months, is that the things I put in my body have a direct impact on how I feel emotionally and physically. I'm making positive changes and have already seen some improvements in my general well being. For me, this time it isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling better. 

Although I am typically a highly social person, I've found myself wanting time to myself a lot lately. I give all I've got at work and to my family when I get home in the evenings. Then, I'm ready to just be. This is a weird place for me, because I actually really enjoy people and crave human interaction. It's just that lately, I've craved time alone more. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I am unsure what it is, but I feel like something is about to happen. 

Here's the thing, no matter how shitty I feel, or how much it feels like things aren't the way I would like them to be, there is ALWAYS joy. Even though the last 6 months or so have been weird and emotional, I've made a conscious effort every single day to find something to be thankful for. I choose to look for the joy on a daily basis. Some days it's much harder than others. Often times, I decide to be grateful for something as simple as having clean, purified water to drink, or a warm bed to sleep in. Other times, I'm thankful for the bigger things, like the opportunity to be with my child every single day, to mentor him as he advances in his journey. Or that I have a loving, supportive husband, who has loved me through all of this and more. It doesn't mean I always feel joyful, but I am at least making an effort. 

Days like yesterday, those are hard. I got to help Landon through a seemingly ridiculous fit over cereal. A fit that lasted well in to our drive to school. I went through the motions at work and put on my professional, happy face. I wasn't able to shake the feeling from the morning though. I tried and I definitely found joy, but the feeling of yuck was still there. Days like today, not so tough. It's a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing. I started my morning with snuggles from my darling boy, followed by his laughter and smiles. As I was pulling out of the drive way, he ran out and declared, "more kisses and hugs please!". Of course I obliged, he in his Batman undies and jammie top, me in my work clothes, pressed together in the drivers seat of my van, as he bounced to the music and grinned from ear to ear. In those few moments we exchanged a special kind of love. He energized my soul in a way that only a child can. I have no doubt I shared the kind of love for his soul like only a mother knows to provide. 

I'm choosing joy, even on the days I don't feel it. 

It Happens.

Hi!

Were you wondering if I had been abducted by aliens?

Maybe you didn't notice the lack of posts. Like, seriously, nothing since February.

I took some time off from this here blog to do some serious reflecting. I needed it.

Anyway, I'm back! 

Here's a picture of a smiling cat, which totally makes up for my absence.

Happy Thursday!

Birthday Treats

It's Birthday Party Central at Landon's school this month! This week, they have a celebration every day. Sugar high will be in full effect! I'm considering sending a bottle of wine for his teachers, if they survive. 

Navigating birthday celebrations when you have food intolerances can be tricky. However, with proper planning and preparation, you can still enjoy the festivities without compromising your health or the health of your family. 

I made up a batch of gluten free cupcakes last month and popped the finished product in to the freezer. I made a very easy, 3 ingredient frosting at the same time. Now, when we have a party coming, I grab a cupcake, frost it and decorate it a day or so in advance. 

Here's the cupcake I decorated today, since we have a birthday party this afternoon. 

It's gluten free, food dye free and full of flavor! I try to keep these a surprise so Landon has something to look forward to each time. I decorate them differently, using things he likes that we have on hand. This time I used some really great non GMO marshmallows and raisin in the center. 

These are the marshmallows we like. 

I will warn you now, they are pricey. However, they are corn syrup and food dye free, which is important for us. We use them sparingly and keep them stored in a ziploc to keep them from drying out. 

I have used his bunny snacks as a topper and also plan to use dried coconut and dried fruit to create a face on the cupcakes in the future. 

Do you have any other ideas for me? If so, I would LOVE to hear from you!

Stay at Home or Working Outside the Home. We are Mom's.

You've all heard about the Mommy Wars. Right? I'm not talking about who is a better Mom, I'm referring to The Stay at Home Mom vs. The Working Outside of the Home Mom.

Lately I've been seeing articles pop up regarding The Stay at Home Mom and how hard they work and how they don't receive any credit for all of their hard work. You know what I think about this? They do work hard and they absolutely do deserve to be recognized for all of their hard work. Guess who else works hard and deserves recognition? The Working Mom. ALL MOMS WORK HARD! Sorry about the yelling, but that part seems important. Yes?  

Please allow me to further break it down for you. 

The Stay at Home Mom is often the envy of others, who think she gets to sit around, do crafts, sing songs, and play with her children all day. The truth is, much of her day is taken up with telling her kids to stop arguing, making meals, doing laundry, mopping floors, wiping butts and snotty noses, stocking the pantry, planning meals, toting kids to and from school, and all the other tasks associated with running a household. You understand what I'm saying. However, she also gets to play with her children. She is there when they fall down and need a kiss, to give a hug, a smile or simply join them in laughter. Her job doesn't ever end though. She is up in the middle of the night with sick children, she's washing bedding at 3:00 a.m., she's frazzled when the sun begins to come up, knowing she has a full day to get through...again. She is raising tiny humans to be participating members of society. She's a Mom 24/7.  

The Working Mom is also often the envy of others. She gets to go to work every day, she gets to have adult conversation, she gets to sit down while she eats a warm lunch without kids hanging from her legs, she gets to provide her own income, she gets adult conversation on a very regular basis. You know what else she gets? The guilt of leaving her children every day to go to work. She gets the guilt of letting her colleagues down when her children are sick and she has to call in. She gets to shuffle her kids around on the days when they aren't well enough for daycare, yet missing work simply isn't an option. She gets to work all day then come home and work some more, preparing dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry (seriously, cant' we find a way for it to do itself by now?!) and readying everything for the next day. She is also awake in the middle of the night, tending to sick children, cleaning up puke and changing sheets. She's frazzled as she prepares for work in the mornings, doing her best to be presentable when she just wants to sleep for days. She runs a house hold too. Her job doesn't ever end. She is also raising tiny humans who she hopes will be participating members of society. She's a Mom 24/7.  

Too often, people judge us Mom's. I hear things like, "Well, The Working Mom chooses to work" or "The Stay at Home Mom chooses to stay home". Okay, yes, maybe. Those choices come with their own trade offs though. The Working Mom may only be working because it's what she has to do to make sure her family has a roof over their heads and food on the table. So, sure, she chooses to work to help provide for her family. Or, maybe she chooses to work because *gasp* she actually enjoys her career! The Stay at Home Mom may be staying home because it makes no sense for her to work full time if her entire income would go to a daycare anyway. She may have given up the career of her dreams, selflessly, to be home with her children while they are young. Or, maybe she's always dreamed of growing up and raising kids, only to later realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's hard. Being a Mom is hard work! Mom's don't get vacation days, sick days, or mental health days. We push through, doing the very best we can, most of the time wondering if we're doing it all right. 

The truth is, whether you're a Stay at Home Mom or a Working Mom, you have challenges and you work your tail off. Neither of these titles is glamorous, nor is one above another. Mom's are Mom's every single minute of every single day. We are always thinking of our children. We continually strive to do what is best for them, while still trying to maintain our own sanity. The grass isn't greener on one side or the other. Whether you stay at home or work outside of the home, you are just as important.  

Mom's, hear this, be grateful for your situation, whatever it may be. You are on the path that was designed specifically for you. Some days are tougher than others, that's for sure. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it.

  

KnockKnockKnock...

Yes, I'm still alive! 

The truth is, the holidays wore me smooth out! 

Also, the last several weeks have been emotionally exhausting. 

I have writer's block like a mutha. 

I've been doing stuff. Like, somewhat creative stuff. I just can't seem to find the motivation to post about it.

I promise to be back soon. 

To be completely honest, I've been down lately. It's difficult for me to post when I'm in an emotional low, because I don't want to bring others down, or to come across as an ungrateful whiner. 

The truth is, it ain't always pretty. Sometimes it's U-G-L-Y and I ain't got no alibi, UGLY! 

My head is swimming with......murky stuff.

This week I found out about a baby boy who died from IBD. Eff! He was about the same age as Landon when he was diagnosed. It makes me so freaking sad and it pisses me off. Nobody should have to to deal with that. The heartache that Mama is dealing with at this moment in time has to be horrendous. It isn't fair.

We are dealing with some heavy decisions regarding Landon and his long term care. I know in my heart what is right and what we need to do. So does Scott. If only it were that simple. We are at a cross roads and we are going to have to be strong advocates for Landon, once again. I don't doubt our ability to do that, it's more that I don't look forward to it. I will do whatever is necessary, in the highest and best for my child. I always do. It doesn't mean it's easy.

Sometimes, I feel like people look at Landon and see how well he's doing and assume everything is totally fine. Mostly, things are good. I choose to see the good, so that's what I share. You wanna know what I don't always share? The fact that I'm still holding my breath, waiting for the day we get the news that he's in remission. I don't share how stressed I am in the mornings trying to get his breakfast, while getting myself and him ready to leave, and trying not to stress him out, and making it seem fun for him to take all of his vitamins and supplements. I'm not talking about how difficult it must be for my husband, who is simply amazing, because he puts up with me being a micro manager of everything that goes on with Landon. It isn't easy being married to me sometimes. Scott is solid. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without him. I don't talk about the nights I cry myself to sleep because, dammit, WHY? I don't talk about the guilt. Oh. My. Gosh. The GUILT. Am I making the right decisions? Could I have done things differently? What if I would have been able to breast feed longer? Should I have eaten different during pregnancy? Was I too hard on him today? Did I stress him out today? I don't talk about the immense financial burden. I'm not sharing about how hard it is to keep all these emotions inside because I'm just sure everyone is sick of hearing about it.  

So, yeah. There it is.  

Please don't give up on me.

I promise the positive, fun Leslee will return. Soon.