KnockKnockKnock...

Yes, I'm still alive! 

The truth is, the holidays wore me smooth out! 

Also, the last several weeks have been emotionally exhausting. 

I have writer's block like a mutha. 

I've been doing stuff. Like, somewhat creative stuff. I just can't seem to find the motivation to post about it.

I promise to be back soon. 

To be completely honest, I've been down lately. It's difficult for me to post when I'm in an emotional low, because I don't want to bring others down, or to come across as an ungrateful whiner. 

The truth is, it ain't always pretty. Sometimes it's U-G-L-Y and I ain't got no alibi, UGLY! 

My head is swimming with......murky stuff.

This week I found out about a baby boy who died from IBD. Eff! He was about the same age as Landon when he was diagnosed. It makes me so freaking sad and it pisses me off. Nobody should have to to deal with that. The heartache that Mama is dealing with at this moment in time has to be horrendous. It isn't fair.

We are dealing with some heavy decisions regarding Landon and his long term care. I know in my heart what is right and what we need to do. So does Scott. If only it were that simple. We are at a cross roads and we are going to have to be strong advocates for Landon, once again. I don't doubt our ability to do that, it's more that I don't look forward to it. I will do whatever is necessary, in the highest and best for my child. I always do. It doesn't mean it's easy.

Sometimes, I feel like people look at Landon and see how well he's doing and assume everything is totally fine. Mostly, things are good. I choose to see the good, so that's what I share. You wanna know what I don't always share? The fact that I'm still holding my breath, waiting for the day we get the news that he's in remission. I don't share how stressed I am in the mornings trying to get his breakfast, while getting myself and him ready to leave, and trying not to stress him out, and making it seem fun for him to take all of his vitamins and supplements. I'm not talking about how difficult it must be for my husband, who is simply amazing, because he puts up with me being a micro manager of everything that goes on with Landon. It isn't easy being married to me sometimes. Scott is solid. I wouldn't be able to do what I do without him. I don't talk about the nights I cry myself to sleep because, dammit, WHY? I don't talk about the guilt. Oh. My. Gosh. The GUILT. Am I making the right decisions? Could I have done things differently? What if I would have been able to breast feed longer? Should I have eaten different during pregnancy? Was I too hard on him today? Did I stress him out today? I don't talk about the immense financial burden. I'm not sharing about how hard it is to keep all these emotions inside because I'm just sure everyone is sick of hearing about it.  

So, yeah. There it is.  

Please don't give up on me.

I promise the positive, fun Leslee will return. Soon.