Choosing Joy

It's no secret to those who are close to me that I've been having a tough time lately. I can't quite put my finger on what the exact cause is. I'm not sure if I even need to know the cause at this point. Truly, I just want to feel better. I haven't been writing at all. I have lacked all motivation to do so. I threw this incredible birthday party a couple of weeks ago and haven't even posted about that yet. I promise I will. Soon. 

I know there is a lot going on energetically right now. Things are moving and shifting and all kinds of stuff is swirling around me. I feel it. 

I'm real. I'm a person with emotions. I get envious of others. I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel frustrated and angry. I feel contempt. I feel like sleeping for days. I get my feelings hurt. I feel like a complete failure at times. On the flip side, I feel happy. I am proud of the successes of others. I feel loved. I feel wanted. I feel joy. I feel content. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, even if it isn't always enjoyable. I am grateful for my life. 

One thing I've realized in the last several months, is that the things I put in my body have a direct impact on how I feel emotionally and physically. I'm making positive changes and have already seen some improvements in my general well being. For me, this time it isn't about losing weight, it's about feeling better. 

Although I am typically a highly social person, I've found myself wanting time to myself a lot lately. I give all I've got at work and to my family when I get home in the evenings. Then, I'm ready to just be. This is a weird place for me, because I actually really enjoy people and crave human interaction. It's just that lately, I've craved time alone more. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. I am unsure what it is, but I feel like something is about to happen. 

Here's the thing, no matter how shitty I feel, or how much it feels like things aren't the way I would like them to be, there is ALWAYS joy. Even though the last 6 months or so have been weird and emotional, I've made a conscious effort every single day to find something to be thankful for. I choose to look for the joy on a daily basis. Some days it's much harder than others. Often times, I decide to be grateful for something as simple as having clean, purified water to drink, or a warm bed to sleep in. Other times, I'm thankful for the bigger things, like the opportunity to be with my child every single day, to mentor him as he advances in his journey. Or that I have a loving, supportive husband, who has loved me through all of this and more. It doesn't mean I always feel joyful, but I am at least making an effort. 

Days like yesterday, those are hard. I got to help Landon through a seemingly ridiculous fit over cereal. A fit that lasted well in to our drive to school. I went through the motions at work and put on my professional, happy face. I wasn't able to shake the feeling from the morning though. I tried and I definitely found joy, but the feeling of yuck was still there. Days like today, not so tough. It's a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing. I started my morning with snuggles from my darling boy, followed by his laughter and smiles. As I was pulling out of the drive way, he ran out and declared, "more kisses and hugs please!". Of course I obliged, he in his Batman undies and jammie top, me in my work clothes, pressed together in the drivers seat of my van, as he bounced to the music and grinned from ear to ear. In those few moments we exchanged a special kind of love. He energized my soul in a way that only a child can. I have no doubt I shared the kind of love for his soul like only a mother knows to provide. 

I'm choosing joy, even on the days I don't feel it.