Brain Dump.

What a week! 

I've been reminded just how fortunate I am to have the love and support of my true, real friends and family. To the people who understand why I haven't been able to show up as much in the last 2 years and love me anyway. I say, Thank You. To those of you who can see past my faults and sometimes poor decisions of words or actions. I again say, Thank You. God knows I am far from perfect! To my husband, who loves me even in the moments I am less than lovable. Thank You, My Darling. You are my biggest supporter. 

My journey with finding lasting healing for Landon, while still maintaining a career, jumping in head first to help run The Love 4 Landon Foundation, managing a household, making efforts to keep friendship's alive, having a loving relationship with my husband AND finding a tiny bit of time for ME has not been easy. As a matter of fact, it's been the hardest thing I have ever been through. 

Landon truly is doing well. I'm thankful every single day we wake up for the healing he's found. It doesn't stop the chatter in my head though. When you are a parent of a child with a chronic illness, you never really relax. It's a balancing act of remaining optimistic while still being aware of watching for any kind of sign or symptom returning.  

Every single day I think about his poop. Has he pooped yet? How many times has he pooped today? Were they normal? Were they soft? Did they smell different? Was there any mucus present? Is he more gassy than usual? What does his color look like? Is this rash related to his medication or is it a normal kid rash? Is his tummy distended? Are his lips pale? Is he lethargic? Does he seem to have his normal energy level? Is he grumpy because his tummy hurts or is it just normal 3 year old grumpiness? What will I do if symptoms return? Am I ready to delve in and do FMT again? I think of these things every single day. When I am at work, I even text my Mom (who is with him on the days I can't be) inquiring about his poop. Luckily, she gives me good details and sets my mind at ease. Thanks Mom!

Often times people see Landon now and assume he's all well and healed. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the phrase "I'm sure he'll grow out of this!" or "He looks so good! I know he will be just fine." You know what? No. He won't grow out of it. This is an autoimmune issue. It isn't something he will ever outgrow. We hope to have him symptom free for many years but with something like this, the future is undetermined. You know what else? There is no way you can know he will be just fine because we don't even know that! Please, if you're reading this and have a friend or family member with an autoimmune issue, don't ever say these words to them. For those of us going through this every day, those words are very hurtful. It absolutely diminishes the trails and difficulties we are faced with on a regular basis. 

I'm an optimist by nature, I used to even be a bit of a Pollyanna. Now, I consider myself to be optimistically real. I understand on a much deeper level the road ahead. I'm ready for it and I will face it head on. Scott will face it with me and we will always advocate for our son. Together, we will make sure he always has what he needs, nutritionally, medically, spiritually and otherwise. 

I understand now why people who have a child with health issues or other special considerations often times end up in front of a judge seeking a divorce. Things like this can absolutely tear you apart as a couple. You don't have any time for each other because you are both 100% focused on your child. Your relationship is pushed to the brink, emotionally, physically, intimately. You stop talking and connecting. Sex. What is that? Those are the facts, as ugly and frightening at it may be. Luckily, for Scott and I, we weathered it. It was difficult to say the least. It still isn't easy but it's a whole lot better than it was a year ago. We are connected again and we do love each other dearly. We are committed to one another, to our son and to our marriage. 

Through this process, I've definitely found out who my friends (which includes my wonderful family members!) are. Some are people I speak to daily, some only monthly and some are people through Facebook who I never or rarely see in person. For all of you who have been there for me, for Scott and for Landon, THANK YOU! Seriously. Every time you ask me how Landon is doing, or how I am coping through all of this, it sends a warm feeling throughout my entire body. I would not be in the place I am today without your constant love, support and understanding. 

Friendship sometimes means different things to different people. To me, it doesn't mean you have to hang out all the time, speak daily or even monthly. I believe this definition from dictionary.com sums it up perfectly:

friend

  

noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

3.

a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.

I hope this post doesn't come off as negative, as that is not my intention. I just wanted to give you all a small glimpse in to my life. I AM grateful, every single day, for my husband, for Landon, for my family, for my friends, for my job, for the air I breathe. Sometimes, I even think about the person who built my desk and I send forth gratitude for them, whoever it was. I choose happiness, love, contentment and goodness for my life. Sometimes, you just need to get stuff off your chest. 

Some really cool things have happened in the last couple of weeks as well. I will write about those in another post because they are so great they deserve to shine on their own! 

I love you all! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.