Answers. Sadness. Relief.

As we were waiting for Landon to come out of recovery, the nurse who took Landon from my arms as he was screaming and crying came to find us. She wanted to let us know that as soon as we walked away Landon stopped crying, put his head on her shoulder and fell asleep. She said she swayed and cuddled with him until it was time to lay him down for anesthesia. She said when they started the anesthesia he was already fast asleep. It made Scott and I feel so much better knowing he wasn't scared. In his little mind he was just taking a nap.



Wednesday evening was a little rough. Landon was again agitated due to the soreness from the scopes and coming down from sedation. I was an emotional mess and I couldn't figure out why. Shouldn't I be glad because we were finally given a diagnosis? I just wasn't there. I was extremely sad and feeling like I was somehow being punished for something. My thoughts were, "This isn't fair. Why Landon? Why Scott and I?" I was very confused by all of the emotions I was experiencing. I tried my hardest to find the optimism that usually comes so easily for me. It just wasn't there. Sure, I thought, "It could be worse. It could be a terminal illness." However, I was overcome with sadness and I was upset that it was even happening at all. I wanted to go back to July when Landon was totally healthy. Scott and I worked so hard to ensure Landon's optimal health and it didn't do any good anyway. That's how I felt. There were a lot of tears.


Thursday morning I woke up feeling a little more positive. I was able to get on line and read a bit more about ulcerative colitis and what it would mean for Landon. I was also able to talk more with Dr. Hattar and ask a few pointed questions. She was once again, wonderfully compassionate and patient with me.


Late in the morning we noticed that Landon's IV was causing him pain when the nurses tried to flush it. We decided to take it out, give him a break for a few hours then insert a new IV. We were so happy to have him free of it for a few hours! He seemed relieved too. He was happy and smiling. We were able to give him a really good bath, which he needed! It was a nice little break.
Then the time came to insert a new IV. We went in to the procedure room, which is located across the hall from our room. We had no idea what we were about to go through. The nurses got everything ready and we held him still while they tried to insert a line in to his left hand. The vein blew. They looked around and decided to try the right hand again. The vein blew. They tried his right arm. The vein blew. They tried his right foot. The vein blew. They tried his left foot. The vein blew. He was crying, we were crying, the nurses were extremely sad for us. It was awful. These nurses were the best of the best, trying to get a good vein, but it just wasn't happening. In total they brought in 3 different teams of people. His low hemoglobin levels made the job very difficult. We talked about the possibility of putting in a central line. They put a call in to our doctor and we decided to start him on oral steroids and reassess in the morning. Thursday evening Landon was still having some blood loss but was doing ok. The hemoglobin levels were up and down but not down enough to warrant another transfusion, thank God.


Friday morning Landon woke up happy, which was absolutely amazing considering all he had been through the night prior. We had a good day with him, however by that evening he had started to backslide on his progress. The blood loss picked up again and it was apparent that he wasn't responding well to the oral steroids. He needed to go back to an IV. Typically they like a person to get in at least 4-6 doses of IV before going to oral. He only got 2 before we had to pull the IV that went bad. I guess I was just hoping he would be the miracle child and 2 doses would have been enough. Unfortunately this wasn't the case.


Saturday afternoon we made the walk across the hall to the procedure room. I had talked to a friend who advised me to picture a warm white blanket of love surrounding Landon during this process. When we walked in, there was a white sheet draped over the exam table. It was great because it helped me with my visualization. I did my best to remain calm this time. I talked to Landon a lot, I told him how brave he was, how proud I was of him, how strong he was, how much I loved him, how much everyone loved him. I was able to stay a little more calm. I still cried though. Holding your baby down while they continuously poke and stick him is just heartbreaking. They tried to get an IV in 3 different sites and each time the vein blew. They discussed trying to put one in his head. Scott and I said no way. I couldn't stand the thought of putting him through that to only have another vein blow. We requested having a central line put in. Within moments of leaving the procedure room Landon was smiling and playing. That kid is just awesome.


Sunday morning we got Landon all gowned up. Scott walked around the halls with him laying on his shoulder for at least 30 minutes. At 10:00, they came to get Landon for the surgical procedure to insert the central line. Scott, Landon and I were all very calm and peaceful all morning. We got down to the surgical area where we met the anesthesiologist and surgeon. While we were speaking with them Landon wanted to come to me. I held him until it was time to go. The surgeon said she would carry him to the operating room. I looked at Landon and said, "You're going to go with Dr. Molik now and she is going to help you feel better." He went right in to her arms, no hesitation, totally trusting. They walked away and Landon didn't even look back at us. It was amazingly peaceful. Scott and I both cried. I know for a fact there were many people and entire churches praying for Landon at that exact time. In those moments I felt God's presence on the deepest level I've ever known. I have never felt His presence like I did that morning. It changed something in my heart. I have always heard of people who talk about how they feel God. I have a very strong belief and faith but I had never had the wonderful experience of feeling His presence. It was beautiful.


About 45 minutes later the surgeon came out to tell us she was finished. Landon did GREAT and would be out very soon. After he came out I held him for a good 2 hours. He slept on me, occasionally opening his eyes to see where he was. Then, all of a sudden, he perked up and was ready to play! He acted like he didn't even know the line was there. It has been in for 24 hours now and Landon is making some really good progress. Instead of us carrying him around the halls he is now running, yes you read this right, RUNNING around all over the place. We are certain that this is the turning point for him. It sure is good to see our joyful child returning.