Two Years.

Two years ago today, we were sitting in the hospital with Landon, terrified. He was rapidly losing blood in his bowel movements and was too little to communicate anything he may have been experiencing physically or mentally. 

He has had quite the journey, that brave Boy Wonder. He continually surprises his doctors, impresses us and has a determination to be well. He has changed the way his doctors treat IBD. He continues forge on, smiling and ready to conquer any challenge placed before him. 

At this exact moment, I'm sitting in my recliner snuggled up with Landon. He's been up most of the night and has a fever. 

I'm fifty kinds of emotional. 

I always hope each year will get easier. I even try not to think about the date. After all, it's just another day. It doesn't work. December 5th is burned in to my memory. I'm flooded with emotion. The first few times I hear Christmas music each year, I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. We listened to Christmas music daily during his first hospital stay. We tried to remain festive. I don't feel very festive today. 

I know I should feel grateful for all the healing that's taken place within Landon's amazingly strong little body. I AM thankful. I am also incredibly sad today. That's the truth. 

I'm feeling guilty as hell because in about an hour, I have to leave Landon to go to work. I don't want to leave him. I want to stay with him all day. I want to help him feel better. I want to be here to monitor his body temperature. I want to hold him. I want to cuddle him and comfort him. Nobody prepares you for the guilt that comes along with Motherhood. It's intense. 

I'm irritated because he's sick again. Not irritated at all by him, just by the illness itself. We recently went through this for 5 full days the first week of November. It's frustrating! 

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I need some extra prayers, love and positive mojo today. Please and Thank You.